


Damsels in Distress

by graspthesanity



Category: Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:42:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graspthesanity/pseuds/graspthesanity
Summary: Stuck in a backwards town for their last year of school, Tifa struggles to come to term with her sexuality while her friends deal with the consequences of theirs.
Relationships: Aerith Gainsborough/Cloud Strife, Aerith Gainsborough/Tifa Lockhart, Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

Why is there an always damsel in distress? I wondered if I could ask that out loud and hear the grown-ups pause for a second, just to make sure their silence was heard. I didn’t matter. It would later haunt me in nightmares. My voice didn’t matter. Why would anyone even listen to me? I didn’t matter. I was always seated at the other end of the table, watching my mother laugh and bitterly giggle with different faces. It felt like she would change friends like gloves, even if just their hairstyles changed. Her rings glimmered in the light, marking her fake married status.

I didn’t want her vision of me to come true. I didn’t want to become her. It seemed strange, when she would talk to me I would avoid looking into her eyes and she would raise her voice, continuing until I would lose sense of it all.

I wanted everything to go.

I would sometimes sit in my room, pencil in one hand, the paper knife in the other. I wanted to touch my skin, see it split, but it would leave scars… Which would lead me where? What if I failed? I once ran to the balcony and tipped myself over, but it felt like this life would come to an end. That there was something out there.

I would sleep badly, having nightmares or numb limbs if I fell asleep in the wrong position.

And then there was school. All the dreams of new students. Every single face would match a voice. At least we were in our final year, which meant that there were no upperclassmen to torture our grade but others started dating people younger, drugs would slowly appear and be passed around like cigarettes when me and Cloud would literally drag ourselves to the park. I’d make a serious face and ask for beer, when Zack, who I knew liked Cloud, would start laughing if he was the one ordering beer, leaving us alcohol-less.

“I like Cloud.” He told me this when we were alone together.

“Eh? Well… does he know?” I asked without realizing how much weight that question had. Zack just shrugged and hugged himself, sighing, his ever so blue eyes reflecting some deep emotion I realized was bigger than I’d imagined.

“Right.” I replied to our silence.

“I don’t want anyone to know.” He quickly snapped and I nodded.

“He likes you, y´know? Why don’t you make a move, Tifa?” It was my turn to look down at my feet, as we sat on one of those wooden benches probably still left from our parents’ childhood, repainted every year when the mayor would make promises of a greater future for the city.

“I… I don’t think I feel the same way.” I breathed out.

“Doesn’t your mom want you to marry him, though?” He asked subtly and pulled his fringe out of anxiety, waiting for my answer.

“She does. Cloud does. They’re probably gonna take me off in a carriage. Make me a damsel in distress.” I said bitterly, focusing on the damsel in distress part. Zack had heard me compare myself to that before. I wanted to give up, but the problem is that when you’re stuck, you don’t even have the option to leave. You just let your arms and hands down and wait a fate perhaps a bit better than death. That’s why me and Zack would be around so much. He didn’t want to be punched in the face, let alone killed if anyone sniffed his crush on Cloud. He sighed and looked up, the sky was so cloudy that it was just a mash of gray.

“Nothing is ever good, eh?” He closed his eyes.

“Nothing.” I’d agree. I looked at Zack, as he put his hands in his jacket. “Do you still want me to probe Cloud?”

He slowly shook his head, eyes still closed.

“I’m scared.”

I couldn’t blame him. I sighed and put my hands in my own pockets. I leaned my head against his shoulder. It felt weird that he couldn’t do the same with a guy. I closed my own eyes, holding my keys in my palm, touching the metal and letting it give me some sort of sense of feeling. I had asked my mother why the guys got shot in Brokeback Mountain. She screamed at me that no one should care if homosexuals were shot when there were starving children and prisoners of war. I got so scared, I didn’t know how she could take people’s desire to survive as something insulting.

I remember I had a friend, Jessie, who was rumoured to be a lesbian, before I even heard of it from her mouth. I told my mom how everyone had mistreated her, that she was an outcast, yet my mother went ballistic. How come I wasn’t scared to lose popularity and reputation for hanging out with a lesbian?

Zack knew of Jessie briefly. I bit my bottom lip.

“You remember Jessie?” I asked suddenly and we both sat straight, Zack’s eyes tired and torn, but curious on this old question.

“Yeah. She got kicked out, didn’t she?” He spoke softly.

“Yeah. She was a lesbian, too.” I breathed out and looked down at my feet.

Zack waited a while, but I didn’t speak up.

“I thought you guys had a fling-”

“She had a girlfriend.” I quickly shot back, my cheeks probably as bright as my eyes.

Zack’s eyes widened, realizing, as I hugged myself, feeling vulnerable, but this was Zack.

“So that’s why…” He thought out loud. “Why didn’t you tell her?”

I shrugged.

“I saw how my mom and everyone else treated her… and she had a girlfriend.” I added the girlfriend part as loosely as it was in my mind when I would think of her. I remember when I first touched myself to her, it was the best orgasm I had, it took longer, but it felt… right. I wanted her. But then the next year, I knew she had been expelled. I hid in my room, wondering if life had meaning, as Zack would drag me out and Cloud flirted with me occasionally.

Cloud was quite popular, he always had a girlfriend who he’d bring along to meet me and Zack. He’d show up with a cigarette, smoking and already with booze in brown bags, saying that she wasn’t the one. Now I see Zack’s sunken eyes, how he’d talk his parents into letting Cloud sleepover at his. I knew now how he held his breath as he would make his way under covers and Cloud would sneak in and snore, hugging him tight, as a baby.

I felt sorry for Zack, but I didn’t know what could either of us do.

I couldn’t accept a part of me, while Zack went through that and hopped with this secret.

We were fucked.

We shared a cigarette, just because it was easier to stash between two underage people… not that anyone would’ve reported us, but we wanted the sense of security. Zack’s phone vibrated. He held the cigarette in his hands.

“An MMS? What the fuck is that about?” I asked Zack, as he shrugged, insecurity running through his mind, as he waited for the image to load. It was Cloud and Aerith. She was from a parallel class, that’s all I knew and that she would always tend the flowers in biology for better grades. It wasn’t unusual for a girl. I mean, we all needed to pass, regardless of what price would our teachers give us. Clearly Aerith had taken the photo of them together and probably decided to announce the relationship that way.

“Wow. Such a keeper. Cloud’s gonna last with her… what, half a year?” Zack rambled and I couldn’t help but stare at the new girlfriend, how she leaned her shoulders of them and exposed some cleavage. Yeah, I needed to get laid someday… Somehow. “Tifa?”

“Sorry… Uh.” I tapped on where the cleavage was. “Doesn’t Cloud like tits?”

“Maybe she has some superb sucking skills?” He laughed darkly. I patted him on the back.

“I’m sure you’re better.” We both grinned, hugging each other with one arm and finishing off the cigarette. I didn’t want to meet Aerith, I barely knew her and I knew she just meant more trouble for me and even more for Zack.

“Maybe we should hide each other…Beards for ever?” Zack laughed. I looked at him, not holding my laugh.

“If everyone is such a fucking asshole, we won’t move and indeed we get stuck here with no other way… Sure. I’d rather pretend to be fucking you than actually fucking some dude my mom wants more than me.” Zack cheekily pinched my cheek and I pushed him off me and we laughed.

“Yeah. We should really move.” He nodded, sighing. “Maybe you should become a mail order bride? Can you be a mail order bride for a woman?”

He asked the last bit quietly, as some old women walked past us with their grandkids who looked like they’ve started drinking beer yesterday.

“I thought about it. But then they have lesbians in the States. Why would they bother? I dunno. Couldn’t find anything.” I sighed, laughing.

“Bummer. Guess we aren’t needed anywhere, Tif.” Zack rolled his eyes.

“Yup, Zack, yup… Y’know that scene in Schindler’s list where they release the Jewish prisoners and they don’t know where to go?”

“Oddly specific, Tif. Why an Auschwitz movie? World War II as well…-” He looked at me, confused.

“Well, the homosexuals were actually left as prisoners, regardless of what side they went, because homosexuality was illegal everywhere.” I breathed out.

“Yeah, but Stalin didn’t treat prisoners nicely either, everyone who retreated and –” I put my hand around his mouth to shut him up.

“You’re missing the point, dumbass.” I laughed slightly, my eyes purely tearing up. “It’s us. We can’t go anywhere. Because just thinking… that our lives mean less than others, how we are told, we are the ones who stay in prisons, forgotten. We won’t even make statistics, Zack.”

He nodded, grimly. We lit another cigarette. He offered buying us more beer, but I needed to make it slightly sober home, even if beer was nothing. I checked my phone, knowing that I was late for dinner with the missed calls and everything. I yawned, Zack checking on me one last time. I waved him off and headed home gloomily, headphones in and wondering why winter was so long… But it-s not like the following seasons were better. I dreamt that night in black and white, as if I was in a movie of older times. A bunch of women dancing around me in a circle and I screamed. Mom woke me up and I just cried, not having the voice to tell her to go away, as she cradled me.

“Sometimes I wish you were as little as a kangaroo and I’d keep you in my pouch, carrying you everywhere… Safe from danger.” She cooed. I always thought she’d accept me. But I knew that once I’d say the things she never wanted to hear, she’d make a funeral out of me, how she had buried her dear daughter and all those smiles, memories and fake photos will stop having significance.


	2. Chapter 2

I always dread attention at family gatherings. Regardless of the occasion, the telly is always on, depending on whose house it is it’s either VH1 or some news channel. It babbles in the back, no one pays attention, as the world goes by, I don’t feel like things ever change here and if they are, they are heading for the worse. People are clinging to different beliefs, people start speaking, how bad the past was, not able to understand that the present is the exact same, in a way. Nothing changes, as alcohol gets poured into my glass as well and I drink. The questions are always about my grades, or worse, a remark how my sister is better.

Having such a big gap was a flaw, in my eyes, but I can’t either kill my sister or my mom, so that’s life. Sometimes the rumours follow my sister’s feet, because nothing can be perfect. I looked up from my plate, wondering what salad should I pretend to eat as badly cooked meat was passed around. I knew these were the leftovers for the next few weeks. Everyone would smile, but in the end mom would be the one paying bills.

I felt sorry for her, but we were cracking. She held onto me for dear life, but we would argue. I wanted to ask her, when her hatred would unleash? Her words of love felt so distant and without any sense of comfort, just possession.

“Dad, don’t you want to see gran?” I would ask at first, whenever dad would visit. He would shake his head. He never walked up to check on my mom’s parents. So I would quickly run up the stairs, as he would wait, as I chatted with my grandparents, watching them slowly dissolve, like my life. I couldn’t open up to dad, either.

He would call me his favourite child and he would try to reach out.

But I knew that in end, we had betrayed each other.

Maybe in another life or life was long, quoting my selfish sister. Which really meant that everything could change, maybe I would. I never understood her obsession. Once she got children, she removed the photo of small me and her in an old photobooth. Soon enough items that reminded her of me would be removed over the years. Who was I? Someone better forgotten in her eyes.

“I hate teenagers.” She said when I visited once I turned 13. It was probably the phrase which stayed with me for years, how she said it without facing me. I feel like my height fell to the point where I felt like a toddler. Then the abuse began. Mom would just close the door on us.

I would always walk out, shaking, teeth stuttering and collapsing on the bed of the spare bedroom. I was yelled to believe that something was wrong with me. Where was my boyfriend? What was I doing? Why was art a part of my life? Why was I so selfish? Why was I thinking that I was the most important thing in the world?

Why would anyone ever love me?

“Mom. I’m serious.”

“You’re exaggerating. You were a child.” She replied coldly, looking at the dishes she was putting in the dishwasher. “Scarlett said that it wasn’t so.”

Mom was sick of me, tired and sighed. She quickly turned to glare at me.

“You know other people have worse siblings. Those who actually beat them. Steal money. So what if you get yelled? That’s not the worst abuse, as you call it.” She quickly ruffled her thoughts. “Did you manage to find out when the holidays start? I have a shift on Wednesday, by the way, will you be ok, alone?”

I couldn’t cry.

I let it slide. Every fucking time.

And I’d look at the balcony as she was out, resting on the sofa with my solitude. Telly was showing re-runs of Friends at a different hour. I knew that if I would open the balcony door, I wouldn’t make it out alive.

Maybe I should’ve reached out to people. But then who?

I slept.

I slept when I was tired. I slept between lessons. I stayed up at night, catching some peace when the world was sleeping. No tear shed, I couldn’t cry anymore. I read most of my teenage years alone, getting happy when I had a surplus of books. I slept when I was hungry too, to skip a meal.

I’d get back home and sleep.

Mom would get back. We would make small talk, I’d watch whatever shows she wanted. I just gave up. I preferred reading online or whatever I had manged to get my hands on. After she scolded me on Halloween for Edward Scissorhands being too gory for her liking, I just gave up and was watching romantic comedies one after another. I probably knew all of them. She would smile wide whenever a new one was out. I would grow to hate the whole idea of courting.

I just felt so numb that I no longer looked at the balcony.

Probably escaping with never living was worse.

“Why is Cloud with a new girl, Tifa?” She caught me offguard.

“I dunno… They’re just mingling?” I replied in surprise, grabbing my black converse, which were a size too big, but I just wore thicker socks making them warm for far longer than they should’ve been, even if my footwear decisions were literally converse and docs. “Why do people date, mom?”

She ignored my snarky remark.

“He’ll get bored of her, just like your father and come back. Men are like that. They always come back.” Well… where was dad then?

I just dressed up in silence.

“I’m gonna hang out with them, anyway.” She fixed my scarf, which caused me to roll my eyes, but I didn’t resist. Who else did I have? Scarlett abused me. Dad was too far away emotionally. I was alone. I just wanted to be dead, but I was too numb to even feel suicidal. I didn’t recall how winter went through, I even got told to drink anxiety medication, which was shoved into the drawer by my mom. I was supposed to drink it every day, but we both felt weird about it.

I would drink half a bottle of a local remedy. Mom would take the whole bottle. When shit really hit the fan. I would chew all the tablets to get them absorbed quicker. Sometimes my mom would just slip something stronger under my tongue, for me to calm down when I couldn’t stop crying.

I felt like I should’ve been grateful for her bringing food to me and my paralyzed grandparents. All I got was scolding from dad, as he and I were unable to communicate and my sister would attempt to hack into my e-mail with her dreadful husband. I had thankfully shared an account with my mother, so when she saw the e-mail they backed off, keeping my livejournal free from their hands now.

Then the whole facebook fiasco.

The whole family was on knives.

How dare I not accept my sister to spy on me.

Dad told her to back off.

I could go on forever.

“Is Zack gonna be there?” She asked as if his name gave a cold shiver to her. I nodded, looking up at her, as if asking what was wrong with Zack and she promptly replied. “His mom is a nurse. Different class statuses, honey. You just can’t marry a single mother who is a nurse, she can barely afford their place. I don’t want that.”

And she kissed my cheek and I was off.

Zack indeed struggled with money and that’s why we bonded. I’d have more pocket money, just for appearance really. We met each other and he hugged me briefly. Cloud and his new girl were nowhere to be seen, so we just sat down and I offered Zack a cigarette.

He took it.

“Say, what happened between Algebra and Geometry? I was literally away for a second. Can’t even pee these days.” He smiled softly. I sighed and leaned back.

“Ugh. Don’t remind me, Yuna told me that my mom probs spend her entire salary on my dress and a sweater.” Zack raised a brow. I had my hands out to show some fury. “She was like, oh, there’s mommy’s paycheck then! Fuck’s sake, can she ever be nice?”

I gave an angry huff and sat back.

“I dunno what’s her problem. I know Cloud used to be friends with her. Maybe you’re too close to Cloud. You know the type… Lemme fight to establish dominance over the poor dude, to see whose a better wifey.” He inhaled and exhaled, deep in thought.

“Oh, God. Is she still on about the fact that I literally danced with Cloud three years ago?” I rolled my eyes.

“I guess. Can’t think of anything else to tick her off. She’s fine with me.” Zack sounded apologetic, but I just sighed harder. “People are nearly betting at this rate for you and Cloud to hook up.”

I kept silent.

“It’s stupid.” Zack added. “It’s not like you even look in his way… or team. Ugh.”

I nodded, as I pulled out my phone to literally check the time and soon enough I felt the weight on the bench shift, as Zack stood up and waved. I looked at my reflection in the small screen.

“Yo, Cloud!” Always enthusiastic to see his straight crush. Cloud looked at both of us, blinking, he was a bit too cool for enthusiasm. Aerith giggled and put her arm around Cloud’s, waving back, which was far from what Zack wanted.

“She’s such a bitch.” Zack muttered.

“Yuna?”

“I meant Aerith, but Yuna too.” He said through his teeth.

“Well she is stealing your man…” I bit my lip, trying to keep a straight face. “Despite the betting pool.”

“At this point I’ll put a bet that he’s gay just to mess with his straight ass.” I froze and then Zack patted me on the shoulder. “Relax, ain’t doing that.”

“Doing what, Zack?” And we turned to see Cloud with a tightly wrapped dark scarf around him and Aerith literally nearly hopping from excitement. They quickly shook hands and Aerith untangled herself from her boyfriend.

“Tifaaaaa!” She said and hugged me tight, as if we’d known each other forever. Was this a trick to establish dominance too? I tried to pull out of the hug, but she held it and I sighed. I rolled my eyes at Zack and Cloud, who knew that I wasn’t a hugger with strangers. She was surely a stranger.

“Yeah, cheers to you too, Aerith.” She pulled back and took a good look at me. “Are those contacts?”

I stepped back out of uneasiness.

“Uh. No, uh…” I felt my face heat up.

“She has a rare gene.” Zack smirked. I looked at him, he was gonna use the same joke. Fuck. Not again.

“Oh, really? What gene?” How dumb exactly is Aerith? Jesus fucking Christ.

“She gets red eyes when she’s jealous of people hanging out with Cloud.” Cloud just blinked at Zack in silence, narrowing his eyes, I punched Zack in his arm and Aerith laughed.

“Just… got them from my mom, really. But her’s are brighter.” I dully noted.

“Coz she’s a demon.” Zack added and I nodded a bit too eagerly.

“Whose parents aren’t whackos tho?” Cloud asked, getting out a pack of Marlboro red. I looked at the package… Didn’t Cloud smoke menthols? I glanced at Zack, who didn’t catch my eye, so instead I was lost in my own thought. He didn’t offer Aerith a cigarette, which made Zack laugh and say he should treat his girlfriend better.

“Well, maybe you should get one too, virgin… Oh, wait, I don’t see one!” Cloud smirked. “Where’s the queue, Fair?”

“Everyone’s scared of Tifa’s wrath.” Zack shot back. Cloud stepped back, Aerith’s bubbly green eyes looking at the two friends bicker excitedly.

“Oh, you two are dating?” She asked merrily, pointing to us both and then looking at Cloud, who seemed a bit distressed by that idea, probably that his joke fell flat.

Me and Zack looked at each other confused.

“No?” We looked back in disgust, probably with the thought of even getting together. Cloud shrugged and Aerith smiled.

“I always thought you two, did. I mean… You’re always around each other.”

“We just hate the world together. That’s a difference.” Zack said.

“When did you become so goth, Zack?” I laughed.

“From today.” He snapped back, but soon replaced it with a smile.


	3. Chapter 3

I still shrivel up at the fact that once I liked the red caviar sandwiches. And that memory somehow is still held at every table sat event. I always get it offered and reminded that I am no longer a child, yet somehow my taste should’ve stayed the same, as mom sits back down. I see her with make up, all different from what I am used to seeing. I remember when I was younger, she barely had time with me, the nanny taking care of me and I would stay up, waiting to see a glimpse of her after work and dad, if I were lucky. I would see my sister on holidays. I thought happiness was seeing her, but that soon diminished.

I probably hated the world without realizing it.

I would scoot off with children, just to stay away from the adults, which would never listen, event or no event.

“Oh, you and Zack share cigarettes? That’s sweet!” Aerith noted, as both me and Zack were lost in thought. I took the cigarette from him, as Cloud eyed Zack silently. I kept my eyes on the blondie. Wondering if he ever felt anything for Zack. I knew there was something between the two, but as soon as everyone wanted me and Cloud to be together, we drifted. I didn’t know if people played up Cloud’s crush or even if there was one in the first place. We had been friends for a long while and people thought that someone as loyal as me, should be his wife, waiting for him to finish with everyone and I’d be there, because I was the good girl, who everyone wanted as a good wife.

“We’re broke.” Zack smirked and I rolled my eyes at him.

“Easier to stash. And what jerkface said too.” I explained as Cloud seemed to be lost in his own world. Was he even properly dating Aerith? She just nodded. I felt a bit… tight like a string when I was next to Aerith, probably coz I’ve spent enough times to get bored of straight women, I couldn’t understand them and even those who lusted for them as a trophy, I wouldn’t understand why. It’s not like lesbians were worse or bisexual women were uglier. I mean, you’d want a partner attracted to you, right? Not someone to twist and bend as a trophy?

Eventually I ended up splitting, as Zack and Aerith started talking about the latest drama on telly, which was actually a rerun, but both were watching for the first time. Zack was excited to talk about it, because I didn’t watch it and neither did my mom, so I had no exposure for it. The last time I followed a popular drama on telly was followed with my mom yelling that I can’t watch it until my homework would be done even if I had just arrived after school. The more I look back, the more scared I get and wonder how thick my skin was back then or was I just too numb to feel the needles of the abuse apparatus?

“How ya doing?” Cloud asked me silently, as he matched his pace with mine. His eyes were cold. He always held everyone at a distance, even if we had known each other. He always seemed to be lost in thought and the more I observed, the more I could see through his tough façade, that just like everyone else, he was miserable. But I’d probably had to get us both drunk to talk. It felt weird, wanting to talk to Cloud, all of a sudden.

“Alright… I guess.” He looked at me, not convinced. I looked away. “What’s there to be feeling good about?”

He offered me his cigarette and I smoked it, wondering if I should ask about what happened to his menthols. Something so small, yet Cloud smoking a different type of cigarettes striked me as odd. Eventually Zack and Aerith ran into a bookstore, as we realized that the door shut on me and Cloud. We both looked at each other. Cloud nodded at the opposite direction from the door. We both had cigarettes in our mouths.

He leaned against a wall between two windows, one arm around his body as he smoked.

“…Did you change cigarette taste?” I asked suddenly, way too suddenly, like thunder among a sky of sun.

Cloud stopped mid-way to look at his obviously different cigarette.

He closed his eyes and stood straight. His brows were now together.

“Maybe.” He looked at me now, irritated.

I shrugged, trying to change topic.

“Why don’t you date Zack already?” He snapped. I was taken back. He blew a smoke ring, I glared at him, as he knew that I couldn’t do them, no matter how hard I tried. Asshole.

“Zack’s a friend.” I crossed my arms, leaving my cigarette in my mouth. Zack, I saw from the corner of my eye, pulled Aerith back in, seeing me and Cloud bicker.

“Yeah, well, sometimes you have to protect yourself… With other people, regardless. Or protect others, if you care about them.” He threw the cigarette away and stomped on it, between the dried up leaves which weren’t cleaned this morning and I couldn’t help but clutch my fists. He cleared his throat.

“Tif, your mom is annoying mine that I should be dating you. Get her off my back, please.” He said sternly, as if I could change that.

“What? Don’t want someone with a divorced family?” I hissed at him. He knew. His mom and mine would talk, mom had slipped that drunk and now it was giving me a headache, because she blamed me for even being close to Cloud, who had a loose tongued mother.

“Fuck you.” He snapped back. He took a step towards me. “Go on and be a dead dyke, then. I’m looking out for your ass and faggot Zack, too. You think it’s gonna get better?”

“Who pissed in your cornflakes?!” I raised my voice, fury taking over me, that I would’ve slammed him against the building, but I stood firmly on the ground, talking through my teeth. “What? Just because I’m supposed to wait for you, because our mothers found us cute as children-”

“I fucking know, Tifa!” We were now on raised voices, attracting attention. This wasn’t good. “If you were willing to wait, you’d be willing to date, too!”

“Yeah, well calling me a dyke just because I don’t want to date you, doesn’t mea-” I shoved him and started walking off, but he caught me by my wrist.

“Sure.” He narrowed his eyes. “Tifa, the only person you have been linked to is Jessie. People aren’t stupid.”

I dropped his hand, my shoulders tense.

“She was a friend. We did nothing.” I was starting to feel dizzy.

“I believe you. But parents don’t. Cover Zack’s ass as well, literally.” Cloud loosened his idea of gripping my wrist, but still held my hand. I turned around to be very close to Cloud. Shit! I quickly moved back, but he didn’t flinch. As if we had space between us that would matter. He looked around. “Zack… isn’t safe. Please.”

“What do you mean, he’s not safe?” I insisted. Cloud just repeated his plea, as Aerith walked up to her man and hung her arms around him, like a monkey and watched us.

“Is everything okay?” She asked him, as Zack took my side and nodded, asking if I was alright.

“Yes.” We said with a slight overlap. Aerith was surely not the person to overhear us. We actually got caught in a conversation, but I would try to find ways to reach out to Cloud, for him to clarify, but it seemed like he was tired. We eventually split up, after drinking some beer in brown bags at the end. Aerith was weary of me, but she still tried to make girl talk by asking who my type and I was always replied Alex, a trick I learned because there were so many Alexes in our school that it didn’t matter which one they would think of. She ate it and looked down.

Once we waved and got tight hugs from Aerith, Zack turned to me.

“She kept going on and on, about how we should date.” Zack sighted, stretching his arms above his head. It was getting rather dark, despite it being March. I couldn’t help but not be able to swallow the fact, that life was just gloomy. I couldn’t find a purpose, even if I wondered if I would ever look at all of this back nostalgically. I mean, I felt like time was always moving, things were happening, so which home would be the one that would stay? I didn’t want to get back home. I just walked further with Zack.

“Cloud… said the same thing.” I looked at him, worriedly.

“He’s trying to keep you as a good wifey, later. Maybe his mom thinks that you have good childbearing hips or some shit that moms believe.” He tried to lighten the mood.

“Do you think people know about either of us?” I asked quietly, as we headed into a dark street, which would lead to where Zack lived. I put my arm around his, we needed to be cautious in certain streets. He would walk me always, passed a certain point, so that I would be in a lit street. Then he’d increase his pace to get home. He didn’t talk much of his mother, he always had sad eyes. I never wanted to ask him much either, even if I’ve been there, despite my mother’s attempts to get me to not rub off Zack.

Sometimes I wished that I could shield him from everything.

“Do you think it would’ve been easier if we actually just hid under one another?” Zack texted me, I would delete Zack’s texts, in case anyone would snoop around. Zack didn’t reply right away. I kept listening to music on my phone, a gift from dad, that I wasn’t expecting. I thought of dad briefly. I missed him and I’d only see him in the summertime. I wished I could tell him anything, but my lips never moved and at the end of the day, I needed to swallow the fact that things turned the way they are now. Zack didn’t have a dad, I had mine, even in small gestures like a phone. He always wanted to connect, but something would happen. I was too tired of people being jerks to me. He still did his best.

I was probably young.

I opened the door.

The evening went as normal as it would. Mom briefly asked about Aerith, how Cloud was attracted to her and she seemed to be in her mind, trapped, as if I was really sad about Aerith dating Cloud.

“Oh, the notes from computer class came back.” I said, without thinking. “I was two points short, but Yuna got the same score. I couldn’t believe it! I mean, sure, everyone was slow, but two points for being sl-”

I stopped mid phrase as mom dropped her spoon, it felt like the metal hitting the wooden table, which she saved up from a fancy store, made all the sound, but she kept screaming, going off, how dare I lose two points.

How dare I not get a higher grade.

How dare I not get the perfect score?

How dare I compare myself to others when I needed to be perfect?

I had no one.

I stormed off and slammed the bedroom door behind me. I didn’t even stay for tea. I looked at all my drawings scattered, all my notebooks, the bed was made, coz mom made a fuss about it and I walked numbly to my desk. I sat down and I didn’t even turn on the computer.

Zack texted.

Zack texted.

Cloud texted some weird chainmail.

Aerith even texted. Probably got her number from Cloud. She made sure to write her name first instead of a greeting.

I stared at the phone, as I was called to tea. What could I do?

I couldn’t even drink my tea. I was quietly crying. It took mom a few minutes to notice me, as she flipped through some plain channels, channels which had shows we would watch together. There was nothing on and she switched her gaze on my tea, untouched.

“Tifa, why… Why are you crying?” She straightened her back, as I closed my eyes, my shoulders shaking. My jaw trembling, as if I was in a snow storm. I covered my mouth, as sobs went from my mouth. I headed back to my room, bending in two over a pile of my art, which was on an old unused telly. Dad had gave me another one for my birthday. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep mom and dad in the same room. They would always argue, dad would storm off, my mom would stick all the tissues from a small tissue pack into her mouth, biting the paper, in order not to snark back at dad, for anything.

Dad had stormed off once, in the direction of the city train station once and I wanted to follow him, as he screamed at mom to leave us alone, but mom called out to me.

I didn’t live with dad.

I declined to live with him for a month.

I lived with mom.

So he stormed off, as I stood there, mom telling me to go inside, back home… She made fun of dad, as every sentence was forgotten in my head, as I wondered about dad. Gran calling and calling, yelling that we shouldn’t have left dad at all, that she was worried and I just felt awful for trying to get them both to come to some mall, I had asked. I had this obsession of bringing them together.

I remember the first time when me and mom visited our old place, where dad now lived alone. He grabbed the pillows of the bed they once shared and I stood there, mouth wide open.

“I’m sleeping on the couch, Tifa, you okay?” And I felt bad for my mom.

Why did I?

“STOP!” I yelled, clutching my sides in an embrace. I wanted everything to end. I wanted nothing.

“Tifa… What I am supposed to say? I… I just want you to do good. You need those grades.”

I never got that grade again. I started staying after class every time, asking how to improve my grade. Zack always wondered why I tried so hard. We both knew, that I had some shot. But we never spoke much of the future I prayed for. I started staying behind at school, getting tutors for every class that was bogus and I needed to boost the grades up.

I stopped dressing flashy.

Nails were the last thing to go.

I dyed them transparent, like a girl who sat next to me would and once it was off, I didn’t even notice.

Lessons dragged on, I would watch the minutes pass on a watch, sleep between breaks and Zack would give me notes for classes and I gave them back.

“Wanna go out next weekend with Cloud and Aerith?”

I lifted my head sleepily, after the bell had rang, but the maths teacher wasn’t here yet. I looked at him with a fog of sleep.

“I wanna cheer you up.” He patted me on the head. “The bell rang.”

Zack headed to his seat, as I fixed my woollen sweater, woollen pants and pretended that I wasn’t me, again.

**Author's Note:**

> I had the idea of shedding light on how it really was, growing up in Eastern Europe. It’s something that I touch every once in a while, but I feel like I didn’t ever get deep and give enough justice to the complete feeling of hopelessness. I didn’t know that I was a gay trans man and it was weird for me to decide on a main lesbian couple. I have some attraction to women every once in a while, but nothing ever happened. I usually get bored and open Grindr after trying, since I’m poly and feel like I need a thrill. I’ve noticed that I keep growing and I need time to heal. I like to say that I’ve settled, but it’s gonna take a while for me to accept my present and leave the past alone. 
> 
> In a way, writing has always helped me. I’ve written a few candid things about my difficult relationship with my mother, but I always kept it rather… vague. I wanted to address it, remove myself from the situation, at least my gender. I actually was friends with a lesbian and she did hit on me, but I had no interest in her, I wondered many years later if I should’ve reached out and what was her fate in the end.
> 
> I truly hope she’s okay. She was an amazing friend and I enjoyed talking to her even if it was for a brief while. She made me feel human to talk about Placebo and laughing about David Bowie and whoever I liked at the time. She did have a girlfriend, as mentioned. 
> 
> I decided to take very personal and painful memories which have been used as quotes here about situations I’ve been in with my mother. She did have no sympathy for gay men and still doesn’t. I was told that I’d rather be a trans woman or/and a lesbian but never a gay man. That’s the mentality of where I come from, really. It’s a reality I’ve left and want to leave behind for good. 
> 
> I don’t like talking too much about it, but I write every once in a while. I did fall in love at the time with a girl and we were too scared to do anything. People around us knew, but nothing ever happened between us. I think I saw her about a year ago, but it could’ve been someone else as I have terrible memory for faces. But regardless, I wanted to write down all the fear I had, I wanted to give that story justice. Sure, it’s a story about lesbians and not gay men, of course I’m changing it to a lesbian female eye, which I truly hope is realistic. I wanted to show how scary it was, that’s why it’s set in the past, reminding me of how dull reality was and the constant desire to just stop existing was there. It was truly grim. Also, I wouldn’t have probably managed at this point to write something as detailed without detaching me at least to this extent. Thank you and please leave some kudos!


End file.
